No nonsense answers to your most frequently asked legal questions
Q. I am a Tibetan monk and wish to reincarnate. What paperwork do I need?
A. Simply complete China’s Reincarnation Application Form, Order No. 5, then file with the Religious Affairs Bureau branch nearest you and wait for government approval.
Q. My car is registered in Toronto, but I live aboard the International Space Station. Can I break the law if I want to?
A. You can defy the laws of gravity but not of Canada. Pursuant to Canada Criminal Code Sec. 2.3 and 2.31, all citizens living aboard the Space Station are subject to regular Canadian legal jurisdiction.
Q. Like Sting, I support the earth by drinking only shade grown Fair Trade Rainforest coffee. But my barista says each cup is chock full of filth, and now I feel conflicted.
A. You can feel good about your coffee, your planet, and yourself!! Pursuant to Title 21, Chapter 1, Subchapter B, Part 110, Subpart G, Sec. 110, no more than ten percent of the beans in your Cinnamon Dolce Latte may contain moldy insect filth or mycotoxin producing fungus.
Q. May I grease a pig in Minnesota?
A. No.
Q. My friends and I are considering playing dominoes in a poolroom in Alabama. Is it worth the risk?
A. Pursuant to the Code of Alabama, Sec. 34-6-12, it’s a crime for those in counties having more than 56,500 but less than 59,000 people to play dominoes in a poolroom. Unless you live in Blount County, Alabama, population 57,441, you place yourself and your friends in immediate legal jeopardy.
Q. What are “the rots,” and should I be worried?
A. Under New Jersey law, “the rots” are a condition afflicting eggs, often accompanied by a putrefactive odor. Some concern is warranted.
Q. I want to hunt animals but am afraid. Is there a way to shoot at them, but from a safe distance?
A. Until recently, sportsmen could enjoy the thrill of the hunt from the comfort of their own living room, peering into a computer screen and using a joystick to shoot a six-point buck from a thousand miles away. Most states now ban “remote hunting”, and hunters must now look their prey in the eye, or at least through a sniper-quality telescopic sight, before blasting away.
